I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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