is your mom at the bar?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Couch. On fire.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
