I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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