since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
