Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
