I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
