I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
3 2 1 whiskey
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
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