Did you just see the Batmobile???
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
