I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
