mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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