New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just found a bag of teeth...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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