i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
