I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
