Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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