Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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