I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
