he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
