I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
