I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
