hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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