it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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