i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
