I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
