I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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