Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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