I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
operation have a gay friend backfired
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
