probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
