i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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