I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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