I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
