So drunk its hurt
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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