i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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