i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
