when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
