so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
