batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
