I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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