so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
