I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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