Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
