my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
