So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
