i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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