Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
