Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize