You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
