i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
