So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize