it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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