I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
