who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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