I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
