woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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