what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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