He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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