i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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