I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
