I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
