Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
