The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize